I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I sleep once a week when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.